Adjusting to Childcare/Preschool - The Difficult First Few Weeks

The Adjustment to the First Days of Childcare/Preschool Easing Separation Anxiety

The Difficult First Few Weeks…

The Overview…

The first few days of school can be difficult on everyone. It’s understandably difficult when mothers and babies have to separate from each other after being together for a year. All moms understand this and go through the same worries and concerns. There are some steps to follow for this process to work and feel less traumatic and emotional. Full-time students adjust rather quickly, but children attending 1, 2, or 3 days a week can struggle for a lot longer, so just be ready depending on how often they attend. The more days of consistency and routine, the easier the transition.

Understanding Parents’ Feelings…

Sometimes it can take weeks before a child feels comfortable at school. As parents, you need to hear this so you are prepared for anything.  You need to know that an emotional reaction from them is normal😫. You need to know that you are not the worst parent in the world for leaving your child in distress in the hands of a stranger😬. This is an important step in life and eventually it’s going to be a wonderful experience and milestone for everyone🤗. Giving your toddler the ability to develop social friendships and allowing them to have their own little life, helps makes you a great parent👍.  You are giving your child the independence to learn, explore, grow, and find themselves, safely in their own small environment👏.  Others may give you their opinion on how they feel a toddler is too young for school. If you’ve gone this far, go with your gut. Give it a try! In time, you and your child might love it🥰. Now you have confirmation that you are good parents because you are allowing yourself to take this giant step for your little one socially.  You can now tell others proudly🏆! Get ready because it could be tough but, you got this! Be strong! This is going to be hardest on you Mom but 100% in the best interest of your child if you follow through and hold your emotions together.  This process encourages success at the child’s pace but needs our total commitment (and acting skills😁) as a team.

Typical Normal Parent Responses…

Let me try to explain this.  When parents drop off their child anywhere, and the child is crying and grabbing for them, most parents, instinctively make a sad face and frown😢, with a couple “oooh sweetie, mommy’s so sorry, I’m going to miss you horribly” thrown in😩, sometimes almost in tears themselves😭. Without thought, moms hold on a little extra tighter in these moments. I know moms want to do this.  I wanted to do that to my own kids whenever I had to leave them anywhere while they were sad. All moms do this😌. It’s what’s natural to us as good mothers. Moms want their kids to know that they feel sympathy for the clearly desperate, emotions their baby is displaying and empathize with their distress. No mommy likes to see their baby crying and screaming to get back in their arms😖.  Teachers/Childcare Providers need parents’ help and we need you to follow our lead on this one for the first few days or weeks - however long the process takes for your individual child, even if heart wrenching at times.

The Child’s Feelings Explained…

The first days at school can be heart breaking when a screaming child enters a new environment🫨. We all deal with this. It’s even scary for us as adults to enter an unfamiliar place. If we can imagine, it’s even more devastating and difficult for little ones. Am I safe here? Is Mommy ever coming back? Why are they all so loud? Who are they? Why am I here? How long do I have to stay? How often do I have to come here? Who is this weird lady? Who is going to feed me? How am I going to sleep in a dark new place? All questions that play over and over in little ones minds the first couple days in a new school.

Our Questions…

How are we supposed to handle this as parents and teachers together🤝?  Every child has a first day somewhere so we’re going to go through it no matter what🙂‍↕️. Which is why this post pertains to all moms of littles embarking on their first alone journey outside of their home. What works and what doesn’t🤦‍♀️? Is there a way to make this transition a bit more seamless and less stressful for everyone🤷‍♀️? There is definitely more than one way to handle this. I’m sure teachers have a lot of different ways, and every single child deals with this at his or her own pace. Patience and time are of the essence with this one.

*** Some children walk right into school the first day saying “Hi, I’m here” and feel completely at home 👋.

***Others cry for a couple minutes but eventually make their way into the group and recover nicely. Both ways are perfect wins👍.

***But others…Others really have a hard time so we have to be a bit more adjustable and empathetic with these few🥹.

Keep in mind, this is what is already known as the peak anxiety, separation age for toddlers, so that is an added, typical stress to overcome😳. These behaviors and reactions are completely normal. This process is written to help make the transition for children and parents easier.

The Process…Parent’s Part…

In the Weeks Prior to School Beginning…

From now until childcare/school starts, show your child the pictures of their new friends daily.  Let them look at their school website so they can start familiarizing themselves with their new classroom environment and faces they will see🤩. Let them watch some videos of playtime, circle time, and nap time if available so they can hear the loud sounds of the classroom and hear the voices😜. A nap time video allows them to familiarize themselves with the loudness of the sound machines or music and see that all kids are safe, asleep in their own beds, even if it’s dark🤫. (I get into that in another blog called Establishing Sleep Routines). While showing them pictures and videos, talk about school with huge smiles and excitement😍. Reiterate often that they are going to be safe and Mommy and Daddy always come back😘. I know this might sound odd because they are so young, but shockingly, they do remember if this is done often. It really does help ease the trauma in those first few weeks and things don’t seem so strange and unfamiliar when they arrive.

Upon Arrival at School…

Let’s start with how teachers need you as parents to participate in this moment. Don’t worry. Teachers will be thrilled you want to be in this together 🤲! Again, it’s going to be difficult, but we need your help making this transition as easy as we can for your child.

---

As soon as you bring your child into their new environment, whether the child is screaming, happy, crying…whatever, you, as the dropping off parent, must walk in with a super big smile on your face🤪. You must look at your child with happiness and only speak sentences that are positive about having a great day of super fun before you leave🥳. Positive, upbeat talk only during this time😃! Give a big kiss and a big hug, still never losing that smile or excited positive energy😄.  You then hand off your crying child, turn around, smile bigger, and walk out the door. The whole way to your car wave to them and smile excitedly, blowing kisses as you walk away😚. Purposefully, hold back your tears for your child’s sake.  Your child and teacher will happily and excitedly wish mommy a great fun day at work, watch her go and wait for her to beep the horn, smile and wave. The drop off process should not take more than one minute⏳. Mommy, you will get your time to totally have your well-deserved mommy meltdown and cry as soon as you drive out of site…I promise❤️. This portrayal of happiness shows your child that even though they may feel horrified being left with strangers in this moment, Mommy is not portraying the emotions they are feeling🤔. Having parents’ help with this gives the child a better sense of security. It helps them see clearly by mommy’s reactions and demeanor, that she seems OK with this place👌. The child notices Mommy seems happy leaving me here. Mommy is blowing kisses and blowing horns and doing it all with such huge excitement. They start thinking to themselves…maybe I am safe here.

The Drop Off Routine…

I must start by warning the drop off parent that it can, and usually does, get worse before it gets better, so hang on with me for the ride while I explain further 🎢.

---

Over the last 20+ years, I’ve had children come to school for the first few days happy and excited. Unfortunately, soon the commodity of “new” wears off and they realize that Mommy or Daddy is going to leave them and not come back for what feels like a really long time. They then begin what I call “the drop off whine” 😩.  At times, crying and screaming may begin before the car pulls up the streets or even while still at home getting dressed👚👖🧦. That’s when the super positive energy, tone, words, and facial expressions come to play as the drop off parent, whether you are still at home or in the car or whenever this begins 🚙. Start this process as soon as you have to. This is your moment, as the only adult around, to reassure safety and happiness with your fabulous acting abilities of positive energy and emotions🤩. Please understand parents, I know how much acting you will have to do considering this new teacher is a stranger to you as well and you are just as apprehensive and nervous - totally normal and understandable🤨. Just don’t show your child your true emotions during these times. Instead, continually reiterate the fabulous day they’re about to have and how you can’t wait to hear all about it after school and work😋.  Before these issues occur, I always like to warn parents about what they might see prior, so they know what behaviors are normal and what to expect. It helps the dropping off parent cope with what might come and prepare themselves with uplifting responses😁.  These emotional responses from children are typically “time” related. The screaming isn’t about feeling in danger or hating school. It’s more about realizing school is a long time period and they miss the soft, calm, security and comforts of home and mommy & daddy’s presence immensely🥲.  This is the same way we feel as adults.  We all enjoy our jobs, but I doubt if there’s not at least one day per week we all don’t wake up in the morning thinking “boy I wish I had a day off today,  I sooo don’t want to go to work!” 👩‍💻📉📊📤 Once we get to our jobs we are fine, but even adults struggle to get motivated for a long day…simply because, it is in fact a long day⏱️⏳. It’s understandable. Children just need to know that it’s not negotiable for any of us. They’re going to school either way so the whining doesn’t get them anywhere.  Feeding into it only enables it to become more dramatic and prolongs the process. School is their job. Mommies and Daddies have to go to work. That is their job 👩‍🏫👨‍🏫📎. They always come back. They love you and will see you after school, and wave as you leave🫶.

The Fearful Stage…

Immediately after parents’ departure, I attempt to comfort the child for a moment and put them down (if they’re not already trying to jump out of my arms) 🫂 and allow them to stand there crying at the door which is what they want and need at that moment. They aren’t hurt - just fearful, overwhelmed, and uncomfortably vulnerable. All feelings we also hate as adults🤬. And as little ones they cannot control one thing about what is happening to them. I always have a soft place in my heart when children feel fearful, alone, and vulnerable in this situation, but they need to come around in their own time😊.

Caregivers Part During This Fearful Stage…

When they are going through this horrible transition, I first give them their family picture to hold 🧑‍🧑‍🧒🧑‍🧒‍🧒🧑‍🧒🧑‍🧑‍🧒‍🧒. I think about how excited they’re going to be when they realize that they are actually going to love it here and they are safe📝🖍️📚. I look at them in this heartbreaking state and know that there is not one single thing I can do about it to make them not feel this way internally right now 😞. There’s not one thing I can do in that moment as a teacher to really help 😔. They are thinking I am a stranger. These kids are strangers. My mom just left me (sometimes for the first time ever other than grandma’s house). At this moment in time, they just need space. They need to know they have control over something and won’t be forced. It never helps to try to push them into checking things out, or participating, or doing anything for that matter.  I’m always in the room so I allow the new child to do this as long as they need to. Every time they make eye contact with me, even if they’re screaming, I give them a huge happy animated, smile and say phrases like “mommys always come back” or “it’s OK you’re safe at Miss Kim‘s, everybody is happy here.” 🥰 They may continue to scream. They may just whimper. They may just sit at the door and hold a toy. But I never force a child until they’re ready. What I’ve noticed most, is that the more personal space I give them the easier it is. Other than me going over randomly and giving them a little head rub or a pat on the back, I give them that space they need. They don’t know me. They don’t want me pulling them over to play something they don’t want to play, with other children they don’t know. They just want to sit in the safe, secure, spot they have chosen because they can control that. Letting them be, crying or not, still helps ease their anxiety.  They have no idea if they’re going to stay here for the rest of their life or if Mommy is going to return ever and claim them lol 🤦‍♀️. It’s difficult for us as adults to put ourselves in their shoes. Typically, adults are quick to try to pull them out of that state in certain circumstances or force them to instantly join in.  We assume this will make them feel better. As loving adults, our intentions are good. We see they are sad and we want to “help”. But our understanding of what they’re going through, and the timing psychologically could feel overly intrusive in that moment.

The Whimpering Stage…

I learned that once they get past the fearful crying stage, they move into the whimpering stage. No more screaming. At this time, they aren’t as fearful that they’re going to be harmed at school, but they’re not necessarily happy to be coming either 🤨. Sometimes this stage happens right away. Sometimes it takes a few days. Sometimes it takes weeks to get to this point. Once they get to this more comfortable stage, they still may cry or whimper, but they find themselves a spot near the door or in the corner to sit quietly🫣.  They whimper to themselves about how they miss Mommy and Daddy and how they feel upset that they have to be here again. But something “great” also happens during this time.

The Observation Stage…

During this time, they start to observe a bit more😳. They might be whimpering or crying every minute or two but when they’re not, they start watching the other kids. They start watching me as their teacher. Closely watching their teacher’s demeanor and how they treat the other little strangers in the room. They start watching the classroom as a whole. If the classroom is carefree, relaxed,  happy, organized, and well behaved (for the most part lol 🤗). It doesn’t take long for children to realize that they might actually be OK. They notice the other children don’t seem to be scared or nervous. They seem happy 😊 . They see the routines that we have. They start to see the bond the teacher has with all of the others🤔. They notice that their teacher is the only adult around and starts to watch them very closely to see how they respond to the other little kids and their needs 🧐. Especially, since they’re still extremely worried I may be their new mom if you never return and are not pleased about it! LOL 🤨😫.

Teachers Part During The Observation Stage…

During this transition period, along with pretty much just letting them observe and whine, I do everything with a newcomer last. They get to watch me change all diapers before I reluctantly must force them over to get theirs changed. They watch me help all other kids into their chair and give them their lunch.  Lastly, I pick them up from their security corner and place them in their chair. By assisting them last, they observe that the other children are OK with this transition period and it makes it easier for them to go with the flow😌. They may tense up and initially get scared, but I give them a lot of reassurance that “It’s OK. You’re safe here. See everybody’s happy.  We have fun at miss Kim’s. We are going to eat lunch now”. Tends to make it easier. I never touch a child without telling them what I’m doing. This helps establish trust 🧑‍🧒. (I’ll talk more about trust in the Nap Time Blogs). If I am going to change a child I let them know. - “Miss Kim is going to change your diaper now”. If I’m going to pick them up for any reason, I tell them first. I always tell a child what to expect. But I do want to make sure I’m clear - I don’t coddle or feed into anything. I keep doing my whole routine as I always do and just throw in little spurts of reassurement every few minutes. I never force interaction or participation unless it’s necessary. I mean, if they have poop, I need to change them whether they agree to it or not.  It needs to be done so I will need to move them to change them even if they are not OK with that. But for the most part, I let the first couple days flow and just allow them to observe on their own time. Eventually, sitting near the door becomes boring. If this persists and I feel as though they are taking way too long to adjust, I try bringing some toys over to them and slowly allow them to get acclimated that way. Sometimes, I bring a child over to them. Typically, I utilize my most calm, easy-going child for assistance. Someone who might sit and play quietly near them and let the child slowly and comfortably move their way into their personal space.

The Breakthrough Stage…

Within time, they will start slowly making their way into my personal space and allowing me to get closer to them. When I get that first real hug, - sometimes it’s two days after they start - sometimes it’s a week after they start -sometimes it’s three weeks after they start, but when I get it… it’s a huge breakthrough! That’s when they finally realize that they are enjoying their classroom, friends, and teacher and they start to relax a lot more. Even if they still cry in the morning when they come in, or start the “drop off whine” (discussed in earlier paragraph) for a few minutes, once Mommy or Daddy leaves they’re done! Honestly that’s all we’re expecting out of toddlers. It does not bother me one single bit if they cry for a few minutes every morning. Sometimes I wish I could cry for two minutes every morning as a release before everyone arrives lol😭. A couple tears here and there for a few seconds is considered a huge win in my book. They realize eventually…I guess I have to do it. I have to go. School is my job. Everyone goes to school. Mom does actually always come back. This lady is not so bad. She knows how to feed and change me ok. These kids seem to have fun. I finally feel safe here! I got this!!  All insecurities and fearfulness finally disappear - not because I pushed it, but because I earned their trust and they decided they are ready to let me and their friends in👍. As soon as I get to that breakthrough, they are one of the group. Even though they may still whine briefly, It’s over and done with pretty quickly and we all begin to bond.

In Conclusion (Adjusting to School)…

This does seem to be the best process I have found to help little ones get acclimated to their first school experience. This is one of those methods I can say works through experience. Hopefully, I have broken it down and explained it thoroughly for parents and childcare providers.  It takes a ton of time and patience, but it is successful. Almost every child cried for at least a day or two upon enrollment. Many of them a week or two before they fully felt at home. Some children even a month or two depending on how many days per week they attend.  All completely normal spans of time for a toddler.  Good teachers will continually aim to gain their trust, however long it takes, until a new little one feels secure. Even though it’s difficult to watch unfold as caring parents. We got this! Positive vibes from all 😊!

---

This was only written for children who are meeting their milestones without any parental or pediatrician concerns. There is a whole separate playbook of methods when it comes to meeting and adapting to special needs.